asinglegarbanzobeanonitaliantile:

me as a lawyer: kk that was rude . 

teamrocketing:

*knocks you out with a calculator* bet you weren’t counting on that

beachier:

me: *dials 911*

operator: hello 911, what’s your emergency?

me: i need someone to cuddle with, rub my back, and play with my hair

operator: someone is on their way, please stay calm

pervgurt:

If ur pets dont like him he aint da one

(Source: juicymart)

pussylipgloss:

what a beautiful day to mind ya damn business

h0odrich:

everything good makes you fat an addict or broke

teencry:

i remember song lyrics from my favorite songs 5 years ago but i don’t remember what i learned in school yesterday

polemccartney:

and the winner is……….leonardo……….da vinci!!! congratulations on mona lisa

lindsaylohoean:

me watching someone not drinking their drink when i’m really thirsty

image

ivorycalifornia:

i told my mom i was gonna exercise and she laughed at me

(Source: sorryugh)

unpopuler:

people who can open cereal boxes perfectly are not to be trusted 


shadowryoji:

Sad Teddie falls down